A Magical Merry-Go-Round
Trust Fall With God
A small yet significant story from my childhood comes back to me at different times. Each time it comes back around, I learn another lesson.
Last night was no exception. I was shown that we can only learn what we can at any point in life when we are ready for something. Until now…. I couldn’t have understood this lesson without what I know now.
The story is sweet and magical, with a twist of my natural childhood sadness with low expectations.
As a grown-up, when I started looking back to timing and dates, I found I had more questions than answers. Other than when we left daddy number two when I was in third grade, I’m not sure if my mother actually went through the process to “divorce” any of her other husbands.
She shot daddy number four on May 21st. I was just finishing up fifth grade when he was shot. He was hospitalized for quite some time to recover and to learn to live without the use of his legs. She met Roy in a bar and married him on July 4th – weeks later. She spent a few days behind bars until my deposition was processed, but how could they have done a divorce process? She married another man one month and thirteen days after she shot my dad. It’s neither here nor there; it just boggles my mind.
Daddy number five moved us to an area in Las Vegas we never saw before. I would start sixth grade being the new girl, yet again.
All the kids at my new school were excited about a new student until they saw me. There was nothing spectacular about me at all. I was chubby with horrible teeth. I was shy and introverted. I’d moved too many times. Making friends never ended well. I stopped trying.
The new school I attended had a program where the classes took turns putting on plays for the entire school. It was simply part of the curriculum. I loved the idea. We were the oldest, in the sixth grade; our class was the first to go. We had a few weeks to prepare for our big debut.
I remember the teacher asking for a show of hands to see how many kids wanted an actual “role” in the play. I may have been shy, but I am a performer. This is my forte. My hand was in the air. I don’t remember how high I put it up, but I know it was enough for her to see.
The teacher selected the most popular boy and girl for the lead roles. Kurt and Melanie. My heart was devastated that I couldn’t even be given a chance. They were both adorable and stage-ready, but darn it, I am an actress. I wanted to be the lead girl. I needed something special to happen in my life. The biggest part of me knew it would never happen. Not in this lifetime, anyway.
A few fringe roles were also cast, but most of the class was on the stage in a mock “classroom” setting. I was buried in the class. I did not exist. My hand wasn’t noticed.
We rehearsed and created our set and stage. We were ready. The big day of the play was tomorrow. We had one performance, and that was it. One and done.
When we all showed up all clean and shiny for our stage debut, there was something out of whack in the classroom. I could see the teacher pacing around nervously, but I didn’t know the issue until she made the announcement.
Her superstar, the girl who was to sit in the center of the gym when the spotlight first came on, was not coming to school that day. She couldn’t. She was too sick.
Not knowing what to do next, the teacher frantically asked if anyone in the class happened to know Melanie’s lines. I was the only one who raised my hand.
It was always my role. I just didn’t trust God. I didn’t know God at the time, but I do now.
What God has shown me has been magical over the last few years. When this story first came back to me, I was shown it wasn’t just a coincidence that I got the role. I saw that my want for the part manifested it. I created a miracle that day, and I had no idea.
The next time I was shown the scenario, I got to see it from the perspective of the teacher and other students when this little no-one from who-knows-where stepped up and saved the show.
Just last night, I saw it from a different lens I couldn’t have comprehended until now.
I didn’t have God in my life until recently. I knew there was a higher power, Source, the Universe, but we had yet to have a personal meeting or relationship. Now, we do. Oh, how we do.
That role of the little girl speaking with her grandfather was mine from the very beginning. Because I couldn’t believe I deserved it, it didn’t come to me. It couldn’t. I still hung on to the ‘wish’ that it would someday be me, never in a million years wishing anything would happen to Melanie. That thought would never cross my mind.
I wanted it. I knew it was mine, but I wasn’t selected. I had no faith in myself or anything outside of myself. I could see myself in the role, but “who am I” was always following the thought. I knew it should be mine, but I didn’t deserve it, so God made me wait. I couldn’t just be handed it at the start as I didn’t feel worthy.
As we readied for the show, when they turned on the spotlight in the pitch-black gym, there was nothing else you could see except me sitting on the floor and Kurt sitting on a chair next to me. My opening line was, “What were things like when you went to school, Grandfather?”
I didn’t trust God that the thing that was right before me, that I knew to my core was supposed to be mine, was in fact, mine. I didn’t think I deserved good things like the lead role in a play. In the end, of course, the part was mine, and I crushed it.
I was shown that although some things may seem daunting and far from reach if we know they are there on our path awaiting us, we need to trust God that they are there. Not that they are “going to be” there, but they are there. It’s a trust fall with God.
Last night I was shown that the role was always mine. I was buried in another story, so I couldn’t see it. I have always deserved beautiful things. This is why they come to me now. Now, I know I deserve them. Now, I accept them and thank God every day for everything that shows up. Living in gratitude keeps the magic showing up.
It’s a magical merry-go-round.
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March 2, 2023 @ 3:56 pm
It isn’t easy learning to believe in yourself but you did it, Cari!